excuses, excuses

It has been some time... which is, im almost afraid to say, entirely intentional.
My experience of writing the essay were i think, far more detrimental than i anticipated. I cannot seem to escape negative thoughts, circular reasoning and find it impossible to obtain necessary ignorance with regard to the pointlessness and/or futility of my practice. so i havent really been practicing as it just makes me dwell on these topics all the more and the spiral continues. I keep think theres an illusive point were everything might start to feel a little more comfortable or natural, the more time passes i find it harder want to exist as a member of society in any capacity.... .. So proposal for third year study has been causing me further frustration as i cant really continue my current research without getting into even more of a rant than this is turning out to be. essay feedback tomorrow will possibly offer a chance for discussion with an academic with regard to all this, but really, is their time not better spent with someone less preoccupied with resentment? The group exhibition i am involved with is not only bolstering this marked lack of confidence in my experience of reality, but also serving to assert the stereotypical lazy student.